Is it okay to want what you want?

 

Of course it is. A friend would say that and pat you on the back, encouraging you to pursue it. It’s really that easy.

Wanting what you want feels vulnerable. It also feels courageous.

Again, bringing us to the swampy waters of vulnerability, we need to wade through to get to courage.

And then there’s shame.

Shame is that smell that comes off the stagnant slough, the debris rotting, giving off a pungent odour. All of this is less than appealing, so we often shrink back from the waters of uncertainty rather than wade through them.

Our brain chimes in quickly, quicker than we think, so that we can switch on ourselves and remind ourselves why this is a very poor idea. It slingshots rocks at us and says things like, “You’re going to disappoint people if you don’t do this. You can’t change your mind. You’re so unreliable. No one’s going to trust you if you switch things up. Who do you think you are?”

That last one is shame, doing what it does best — shutting the door.

So you turn back from stepping into courage. You back down, shrink back, choke back your truth, and get back into your regular programming. You dust your hands in relief. Crisis averted.

As the anxiety abates, your heart rate slows, your breathing eases, and you slip back into your regular operating patterns. You can almost feel yourself patting yourself on the back.

Way to go. You moved away from that seeming cesspool of uncertainty back to solid ground.

Except, if we are going to live, really live, the life we’re made for, it means we will need to navigate vulnerability and the stinky, slimy shame that comes with it.

Our brain loves patterns and habituated behaviour. The more we operate our lives from those places, the brain feels safe. Its primary need is safety, safety, safety.

But by locking ourselves into patterns of safety, we tighten the buckles of our straitjackets and lock ourselves in spaces we can survive in but not truly live.

What’s the alternative?

What is it you want?

What was, or is, the first thing that comes to mind when you ask yourself that question?

I want…

Start there. Okay?

If you’re on the edge of a metaphorical vulnerability pond, on the opposite edge, you can see what you want.

I want… I want… I want…

I want space. Freedom. My voice. To set a boundary. To ask for what I want.

We can’t get to the other side without moving through the water.

The wind kicks up as we step in.

Notice your thoughts. They’re the data, not the danger, unless you’re planning to jump out of a plane without a parachute. Chances are this move isn’t that risky.

Notice your thoughts, your feelings, your beliefs.

What does shame say?

When we have that view of reality, we have a choice. Our patterns are not in control. We are.

And our first step is to take a move towards living more intentionally.

What is it that you want that is on the other side of that pond?

And what’s one small thing you will do to move towards it?