13 May I Have a Headache-Again

I had one yesterday, last weekend, and on and off today. I notice it when I wake up at night, or perhaps even more concerning, it’s what’s waking me up at night.

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I have brain tumours, and I rarely get headaches, so this has me worried. I need a little self-care as I sort this out. (I will also contact my doc if this doesn’t clear up.)

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So today, I decided to turn toward the discomfort in my head and the churning worry I feel. I checked in with the emotion and where it shows up in my body. All emotions show up first somatically, with a bodily sensation.

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I approach it, or at least try to, without judgment or attachment, like approaching a deer or a rabbit in nature, lest it skitter away with my nearness.

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This worry—now I can say fear—as I approach it with intentional grace, is like holding out my hand for a butterfly to land on it, so I can be with this tender emotion.

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I keep getting a picture of me as a child, as I notice the sensation in my throat: me as a little kid, scared, like when my mom got gravely ill and I felt helpless. Like the skittish butterfly that I want to coax onto my finger, I invite that little girl, if she wants, to come closer to me so I can understand her pain.

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I feel discomfort in my pelvis now as well—where, in some traditions, we feel safe or unsafe, or find trust or the lack of it. This all makes sense. As I sit with this, I continue to get curious.

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I do feel unsafe, and I don’t trust life when I experience pain. I’ve struggled with pain for almost seven years and have lost so many cherished activities. The younger part feels frantic, scared and untethered—she doesn’t know what to do.

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Even as I acknowledge that and allow myself to be with what my imagination is bringing up, I notice some of my pain ease in my pelvis—like the recognition alone of this frantic part in me is enough to bring some solace.

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My throat still feels the pressure, and I continue with compassion and curiosity.

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Sensations in our throats often mean something wants to be expressed, or something is being suppressed. So I lean in with exquisite tenderness and ask myself: What longs to be expressed?

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I hear: I’m worried. I’m afraid. I’m scared.

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I respond back with empathy: Of course you are. This would feel scary. This would be really hard. I’d feel so vulnerable if I were you.

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I offer empathy to this scared part of me. My throat starts to loosen, and I sense some ease. I check in with how I’m feeling in my body and my thoughts. I notice a calm settles in my head. It still throbs a bit, and I feel cloudy and gray when I give words to my sensation.

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I check in with the fear, and it has eased. The worry has lifted slightly.

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I notice that yes, while the headache brings up a lot for me, some of it feels like childhood trauma of feeling abandoned and emotionally neglected when my mom was sick with brain tumours—compounded by my worries of having four brain tumours myself and having them grow, and what that would mean for my life right now.

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I realize my emotions are making this more challenging. The grace that comes with being with them—their sensations and messages—eases the strain in my system.

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I feel a sense of recalibration and understanding of all the headaches can bring up for me. With the emotions “processed”, even if just for a moment, I feel more connected to myself and can be with my headache, without letting the emotions process me, more like a meat grinder of uncertainty and angst at times.

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If you are struggling with something, I invite you to turn inward. Gently explore what’s happening internally to find some ease amidst the angst. We so want to run from pain and discomfort, when in the end, it truly is our greatest guide and teacher.

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As I sit here and write, gratitude flows into my heart where angst once was. I am thankful for the grace of space and attunement—the ability to make meaning from mess and to know grace in this space.

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If you’ve been struggling, consider journaling with these prompts and see what comes up.

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Consider something that has felt challenging. How have you been feeling about it?

Name the emotions that you notice.

Where do you notice them in your body? Maybe you feel pressure, tingling, stiffness or pain.

What’s something encouraging or empathic you could say to yourself?

(Now try saying it to yourself.)

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If you are looking for a supportive space to reflect, I’d love for you to consider registering for the next Womb session on Grace on June 8 at 1 pm MT. It’s a space for women to pause, reflect, and reconnect with what matters most. We’ll explore how grace can meet us in the midst of our busyness, self-criticism, and longing—for gentleness, for truth, and for wholeness within ourselves. Register here, and if you can’t make i,t I will send you the recording https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/mHgvUMDwTo-IJ95s5LCb8w​

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Thank you for being on this journey with me~ I am grateful for you

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Love,
Leona