21 Apr What actually matters?

What actually matters?

And what if we often think matters as we go about our days doesn’t matter that much at all? 

Even as I write this, I feel a little taken aback.

What if what you think matters today, in this moment, at this particular pinprick in time, doesn’t really matter that much at all?

I wonder what you were thinking right before you sat down to read this. What was it?

For me, like many of you, it’s usually what needs to get done. What am I doing next? Maybe there was a feeling or emotion that came with all of that.

It’s not that what needs to get done isn’t important, but does it really matter?

Stick with me here.

Often, and simply because of how our brains work, we focus on the next task, the next to-do. Our brains are built around some basic operating structures, and they like to get things off the list, to free up space, to feel more present and available, and to simply be.

This rarely happens in the day and age we live in.

Our brains also form patterns based on repeated behaviours, and we get a bit of dopamine, which helps weld those behaviours into place. Over time, because of this risk-and-reward operating system, we become walking to-do lists, checking things off as we go, often rather mindlessly.

And our brains reward us with all sorts of biofeedback mechanisms. Check it off. Get a dopamine hit. Do more. Check off more.

It starts to feel a bit like a slot machine. There is something compelling, even addictive, about it. So we stay, hoping we will eventually hit the jackpot and that all the goodness we appear to be working so hard for will come tumbling out.

Only rarely does that happen in a way that really matters.

We need to go deeper and live below the brain’s most easily accessed working model.

We need to stop and consider:

As I check off my to-do list, what actually matters to me? What makes my life meaningful and fulfilling?

It’s not about your to-do list. It’s about your to-be list.

According to happiness and meaning researcher Arthur Brooks, we need three things to live a life that feels like it matters: coherence, purpose, and significance.

Consider each one.

Coherence is our sense of why life unfolds as it does. It may include beliefs, spirituality, or a broader framework for making sense of our lives. Spending time considering this matters. It becomes part of an ethos.

According to researcher Lisa Miller, having some sense of why life unfolds as it does can bolster mental health and serve as a buffer against depression — even more than many traditional mental health interventions. That alone is worth pausing on.

Second, purpose. Why are you here? What are your values? What impact do you want to have?

And third, significance. How do you want to make a difference? This could be an overarching theme. I want to make people feel seen and loved. I want to live a life filled with deep appreciation for what is.

This goes deeper than achievement. It is part of a life ethos.

And this is what matters.

Even if you simply take the basic structure of coherence, purpose, and significance, and spend some time thinking about each one, talking with people who matter in your life, and focusing not just on your to-do list but on your to-be list, you may find yourself living from a much deeper place.

Here’s what I’d invite you to sit with under each one:

Coherence

What helps me make sense of my life, especially when things do not go the way I planned? What beliefs or ways of seeing the world give me steadiness and meaning?

Purpose

What am I here to give, contribute, or create? Which values do I most want my life to reflect?

Significance

How do I want the people around me to feel because of how I lived? What kind of difference would feel deeply meaningful to me, even if no one applauded it?

Take your time with these. There is no rush. This is not a to-do. This is a to-be.