17 Feb Permission to not be everyone’s cup of tea
You’re not everyone’s cup of tea.
That stings for me.
I feel this acute need to fit in and belong almost everywhere.
I also know that’s unrealistic and unnecessary, and I want to be cool enough to say I don’t care. But that’s not the truth.
The truth for me has been and continues to be that I want to belong everywhere. When I feel like I don’t belong, I can experience everything from discomfort to fear.
The core of this for me is that I feel flawed, and for that reason, people don’t like me, which is also the heart of shame, not enough or too much of something, or I did something wrong without my awareness, and now I don’t know what it is and because of that, I can’t make it right.
Sometimes, I feel scrambly, or what I call ‘scanny’. I scan the uncomfortable environment like a little kid who’s ravenous for food, pulling things out of a cupboard in a frenzy, as if starving for something they can’t find to satiate their gnawing hunger, only to find cans of things they can’t open.
Lately, an acquaintance has been colder to me than usual.
I know it might not be me, but that doesn’t feel helpful.
I went out for coffee with her several years ago. We shared some common interests, had a great time, and agreed that we both wanted to do this more often. After our time together, my heart felt full, and we stayed connected. I appreciated every time we got to see each other.
Recently, I ran into her, and things seemed off. We were in a relatively intimate setting, and she didn’t say hi. The next time I saw her, I went over and was eager to say hello. I hugged her, and she didn’t say anything, and kept her hands by her side.
It was like hugging a cardboard cutout. I felt humiliated by my excitement to see her, and her reaction made me think I must have done something to warrant such a response from her. This feeling stayed with me for over a week.
I know enough to get curious, as there’s wisdom to be gained here when I can accept all of who I am without judgment.
I cannot learn from this situation unless I embrace this discomfort.
I can keep trying to look at the external situation and think about things like whether she doesn’t like me or if I did something wrong. But in that, my brain loops with no answers. On and on it goes. For whatever reason, this is how our relationship has turned out, and what I’m responsible for is what’s happening in me and my truth.
I emailed her without a response, and when I connected with her on social media to ask to meet and chat, I was told that the suggested time didn’t work. She did not offer an alternate time.
In the end, it comes back to me. My most generous interpretation is that she might be struggling with something I do not know about. So I wish her well and own my own experience, my truth.
I want to feel loved and accepted. I’m sensitive, and when I feel like I’m not accepted, it’s hard on me.
Rather than disowning that, I approach that part of me with compassion. I can wish this wasn’t true for me, but for now, it is my truth. Wishes don’t make something go away.
I can only grow in confidence by compassionately embracing this sensitive part of me that wants to be liked and accepted. She’s a sweet little girl hoping not to stand out and belong.
I also give myself permission to not to be everyone’s cup of tea.
As I reflect, I consider that I might be feeling more vulnerable overall as I pivot in my private practice to help women be bolder, stop holding themselves back, and speak their truth. www.thelionessproject.ca
I know that some people might not appreciate where I’m headed or even see the need or worry they think I will get out a bullhorn and lead a rally with enraged women burning their bras (I can assure you I like my bra and will be keeping it on, I can only speak for myself in this regard).
I am also creating spaces for women to meet and do deeper work together, allowing them to connect more intimately with themselves and their intuition in a place called the Womb. This is not mainstream stuff.
The truth is, I know this work is the work I was meant to do. I’m being drawn into deep healing waters I can’t explain, and if I don’t give in and surrender to the magic I feel I’m meant for, I can’t help anyone tap into their most whole-hearted selves, either.
While I navigate the places in me that want to be mainstream and entirely accepted, I choose not to be everybody’s cup of tea and to embrace all of me.
Lots of love,
Leona
If you want to connect more deeply to your truth-join, this month’s session of the Womb, a space where women come together to reflect, restore, and reset.
Sunday, Feb 23, at 1 p.m. MST: Come as you are (4-day-old ponytails are welcome; cameras will be off) with pen and paper. Register and receive the recording if you can’t attend. https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/Ff-yKXl5SpyyraqcCf1BlQ
I am also excited to be hosting an in-person retreat for women on May 3 in a comfy spot in NW Calgary-hit reply if you want more details 🙂
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